I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize