My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
