we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
