every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
