i need an iv and a liver transplant
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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