guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
how drunk are you?
Several
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
