why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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