I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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