Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
