You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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