My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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