Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
