I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
