I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
sarcasm needs its own font
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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