It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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