I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
