I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
His nipple licking is glorious
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