Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
