I can't watch pbs sober anymore
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
