Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
