either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
