bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
