alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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