Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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