Have you finally orgasmed yet?
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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