I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
