I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
