i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
honey bunches of taint.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
