I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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