if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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