Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
