i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
