Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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