At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
