Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
