hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
