Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
