My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
