Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
