I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
