Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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