my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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