we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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