new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize