Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
