well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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