Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize