I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
