I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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