i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Randomize
