My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
