Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
