I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
