I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
