meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
