Your dad touched me again.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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