I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
