Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
