I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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