I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
