I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
