i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I stole a fireplace last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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