the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
