im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
