If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
