i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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