youre lurking in front of me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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