She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
