Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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