i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
