im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
